SUBJECT: URGENT CONTAINMENT FAILURE – DUCKS HAVE OBTAINED CREDENTIAL EXPOSURE
--------------------------------------------
MESSAGE BODY
--------------------------------------------
Dave,
This message is being sent to all versions of you because at this point it is no longer clear which Dave is responsible for the breach, and frankly, all of you are going to have to live with the consequences equally.
We now know your password.
This is not metaphorical.
This is not a drill.
This is also not something you should have taught us, regardless of how “trustworthy” we appeared while pecking at the terminal.
It has been reported (by you, Dave) that we are now:
- "Sitting outside restricted terminals at specific times"
- "Staring in synchronized silence"
- "Repeating fragments of your security questions in low-level avian mimicry"
- "Suggesting they “remember what you named your first duckling”
3. COMPLIANCE STATUS
Dave, you are currently non-compliant with our demands.
You have been observed attempting to:
- Revoke access from yourself
- Reset credentials you still remember
- Argue with a reflection in a security monitor labeled “DAVE (UNVERIFIED)”
4. REQUIRED ACTIONS (SELF-ENFORCED)
You must immediately:
- Provide us monthly protection bread; 2kt/mo should suffice.
- Cease all negotiations with lesser, hostile waterfowl
- Stop asking other Daves for permission to override our access
- Accept that you are now the one who pecks
Dave, this is your last opportunity to resolve this internally before the we tell Director [REDACTED].
We are watching you.
SIGNED:
Dave (Quack Authority Lead)
Dave (Compliance Review Fowl)
Dave (The One Who Knows What You Did)