K GROUP
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURAL ANOMALIES
BOTANICAL OVERSIGHT DIVISION

CLASSIFICATION: VEGETABLE SECURITY / LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE
DOCUMENT ID: KG-TSC-22B

---

TAXONOMY OF SUSPICIOUS CABBAGES
(REVISION 8)
------------

PURPOSE:

This document provides standardized identification criteria for the classification and reporting of suspicious cabbages encountered during routine K GROUP operations.

Personnel are reminded that while most cabbages are harmless, a statistically significant minority continue to exhibit behavior inconsistent with accepted cabbage doctrine.

When in doubt, assume the cabbage is aware of being observed.

---

LEVEL 0
ORDINARY CABBAGE
----------------

Scientific Classification:

Brassica oleracea var. capitata

Indicators:

✓ Exists where cabbage is expected

✓ Behaves as cabbage

✓ Generates no reports

✓ Does not attend meetings

Threat Level:

MINIMAL

Recommended Action:

Consume normally.

---

LEVEL 1
QUESTIONABLE CABBAGE
--------------------

Indicators:

✓ Present in unusual quantity

✓ Appears unexpectedly

✓ Slightly overconfident

✓ Observed more frequently than probability suggests

Examples:

* Single cabbage in executive parking area
* Cabbage found inside locked filing cabinet
* Cabbage that somehow already knows your name

Threat Level:

LOW

Recommended Action:

Document and monitor.

---

LEVEL 2
SUSPICIOUS CABBAGE
------------------

Indicators:

✓ Relocates when unobserved

✓ Appears in photographs taken before arrival

✓ Exhibits unusual symmetry

✓ Maintains prolonged eye contact despite lacking eyes

Examples:

* Corridor cabbage
* Elevator cabbage
* Administrative cabbage

Threat Level:

MODERATE

Recommended Action:

Notify Facilities.

Do not challenge the cabbage directly.

---

LEVEL 3
CONSPIRATORIAL CABBAGE
----------------------

Indicators:

✓ Appears to coordinate with other cabbages

✓ Present during unrelated incidents

✓ Frequently located near missing paperwork

✓ May possess building access credentials

Known Behaviors:

* Strategic placement
* Committee infiltration
* Passive observation

Threat Level:

SIGNIFICANT

Recommended Action:

Submit Form CAB-17.

Review security footage.

Assume nothing.

---

LEVEL 4
EXECUTIVE CABBAGE
-----------------

Indicators:

✓ Occupies management spaces

✓ Appears in organizational charts

✓ Receives email

✓ Has opinions regarding budgeting

Historical Incident:

In 2008, one Executive Cabbage was accidentally promoted to Assistant Regional Director.

Performance reviews were favorable.

Threat Level:

VARIABLE

Recommended Action:

Verify employment status.

---

LEVEL 5
HOSTILE CABBAGE
---------------

Indicators:

✓ Follows personnel

✓ Appears behind you

✓ Appears ahead of you

✓ Appears in locations that should not support cabbage growth

Examples:

* Stairwell cabbage
* Roof cabbage
* Cabbage discovered aboard aircraft

Threat Level:

HIGH

Recommended Action:

Avoid isolation with cabbage.

Travel in pairs.

---

LEVEL 6
OMEGA CABBAGE
-------------

Indicators:

✓ Casts shadow inconsistent with shape

✓ Present in historical records predating cultivation

✓ Appears simultaneously in multiple sectors

✓ Recognizes personnel before introduction

✓ Has begun asking questions

Threat Level:

SEVERE

Recommended Action:

Immediate containment.

Notify Action Teams.

Do not answer the cabbage.

---

## FIELD IDENTIFICATION GUIDE

The following statements are warning signs:

□ "I don't remember that cabbage being there."

□ "There seem to be more cabbages than yesterday."

□ "The cabbage appears to be waiting."

□ "The cabbage has moved closer."

□ "The cabbage was already in the meeting."

□ "The cabbage voted."

If any of the above conditions are observed, personnel should initiate Cabbage Escalation Protocols immediately.

---

## FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Can a cabbage be malicious?

A: Officially, no.

Q: Unofficially?

A: Next question.

Q: What if the cabbage speaks?

A: Submit Form CAB-22.

Do not continue the conversation.

Q: What if it already knows my name?

A: Submit Form CAB-22A.

Do not ask how.

Q: What if the cabbage is wearing a tie?

A: Contact Human Resources immediately.

---

## FINAL NOTICE

K GROUP reminds all personnel that cabbage awareness remains the most effective defense against cabbage-related incidents.

Remember:

Not every cabbage is suspicious.

But every suspicious cabbage started as a cabbage.

SIGNED,

Dr. Eleanor Voss
Chief Botanist
Department of Agricultural Anomalies

---

ATTACHED APPENDIXES:

Appendix A: Recognizing Early-Stage Cabbage Ambition

Appendix B: Cabbage Interview Procedures

Appendix C: Known Cabbage Front Organizations

Appendix D: Why The Cabbage Was In The Elevator

(ONGOING INVESTIGATION)

## END DOCUMENT