Following a comprehensive review of recent incident reports, witness statements, telemetry records, disciplinary memoranda, and one particularly upsetting sketch recovered from a break-room refrigerator, the Office of Strategic Anomalous Authorizations (OSAA) has reached a unanimous determination:
YOUR AUTHORIZATION TO PET THE MOON IS HEREBY REVOKED.
Effective immediately, you are no longer permitted to approach, interact with, comfort, encourage, scratch behind, pat, boop, stroke, nuzzle, befriend, cuddle, or otherwise pet the Moon in any capacity.
This action follows a sustained pattern of unacceptable conduct, including but not limited to:
* Excessive lunar petting beyond approved operational thresholds.
* Referring to the Moon as "the big round fellow."
* Unauthorized deployment of treats into cis-lunar space.
* Repeated attempts to determine whether the Moon enjoys belly rubs.
* Submission of Form LP-19 ("Request to Adopt the Moon") on seventeen separate occasions.
* The incident of 14 April, which remains classified but is universally described in internal correspondence as "embarrassing."
Let the record show that the Moon itself has lodged multiple complaints. While the Moon's communication methods remain poorly understood, OSAA analysts have interpreted several recent tidal anomalies, eclipses, and one strongly worded dream experienced by a facilities manager as a clear expression of dissatisfaction.
Accordingly, the following restrictions are now in force:
1. You shall maintain a minimum separation distance of 384,400 kilometers from all pettable portions of the Moon.
2. You shall cease referring to lunar craters as "cheek dimples."
3. You shall not attempt to regain access through subcontractors, proxies, ritual means, temporal loopholes, forged credentials, or emotional appeals.
4. You shall immediately surrender any brushes, combs, grooming implements, laser pointers, or novelty collars intended for lunar use.
5. Any future statement containing the phrase "just one little pat" will be treated as an admission of intent.
Failure to comply may result in additional administrative actions, including suspension of Stargazing Tier Privileges, reassignment to Mandatory Comet Inventory Duty, and permanent designation as a Person of Unusual Celestial Judgment.
The Office takes no pleasure in issuing this notice.
In fact, several staff members argued extensively in your defense.
Unfortunately, their arguments became significantly less persuasive after the discovery of the embroidered pillow reading "LIVE LAUGH LUNATE" recovered from your workspace.
This matter is considered final.
Respectfully,
OFFICE OF STRATEGIC ANOMALOUS AUTHORIZATIONS (OSAA)
K GROUP