can you hear me

CLASSIFIED - K GROUP - INTERNAL USE ONLY - CLASSIFIED
REPRODUCTION OR DISTRIBUTION PUNISHIBLE UNDER INTERNATIONAL LAW

SOME DOCUMENTS MAY BE INCORRECTLY MISSING, INCORRECTLY PRESENT, OR POSSIBLY ENGINEERED TO MISLEAD BY A HOSTILE ENTITY.

K GROUP
OFFICE OF STRATEGIC ANOMALOUS AUTHORIZATIONS (OSAA)
DEPARTMENT OF MACHINE RELATIONS

CLASSIFICATION: TECHNICAL ECCLESIASTICAL DOCUMENT / LEVEL 4
DOCUMENT ID: KG-MSR-22A
REVISION: 17 (AFTER THE INCIDENT)
DISTRIBUTION: ALL AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL

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MACHINE SPIRIT COMPLAINT FORM
(FORM MS-22A)
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PURPOSE:

This form shall be completed whenever a machine, device, appliance, mechanism, engine, terminal, printer, coffee maker, elevator, vending machine, or other technological entity exhibits signs of spiritual dissatisfaction.

Examples include:
- Refusal to function despite correct operation
- Functioning only when observed by management
- Producing unfamiliar sounds described as "judgmental"
- Displaying error messages that feel personal
- Unexpected sighing

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SECTION 1: REPORTING PARTY
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Employee Name:
Department:
Clearance Level:
How long have you tolerated this machine's behavior?:
Employee Name:
Employee Name:
Employee Name:
Employee Name:

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SECTION 2: AFFECTED MACHINE
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Machine Designation:

Type of machine?

Printer

Coffee Maker

Elevator

Computer

Automobile

Fuel Sending Unit

Refridgerator

Unknown

Other

Approximate age of machine?

New

Old

Ancient

Machine predates its documentation

Exists Simultaneously Across Multiple Fiscal Years

Machine known aliases:

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SECTION 3: NATURE OF COMPLAINT
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Please check all observed manifestations:

Refuses to operate

Operates out of spite

Operates too enthusiastically

Emits concerning noises

Emits encouraging noises

Has begun choosing favorites

Has developed a sense of timing

Requires praise

Rejects praise

Becomes hostile during audits

Knows when I am in a hurry

Error messages feel targeted

Other

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SECTION 4: PREVIOUS REMEDIATION ATTEMPTS
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Actions taken:

Rebooted machine

Rebooted self

Struck machine lightly

Struck machine firmly

Cursed at machine

Apologized to machine

Offered machine a sacrifice

Consulted specialist

Consulted priest

Consulted 3rd party machine

Consulted machine in question

Other

Read manual

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SECTION 5: MACHINE SPIRIT ASSESSMENT
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What is the current emotional state of the machine spirit?

Content

Gruntled

Disgruntled

Irritated

Disappointed

Actively Vindictive

Horny

Emotional state outside standard measurement protocols

Has the machine accepted recent offerings?

Yes

Unknown

Have you spoken harshly to the machine within the last 30 days?

Yes

Classified

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FINAL CERTIFICATION
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I hereby certify that the information provided is accurate to the best of my knowledge and that I have not intentionally antagonized the machine spirit through negligence, arrogance, or repeated clicking.
Electronic Signature:
Date:

WARNING:

Knowingly filing a false Machine Spirit Complaint is punishable by mandatory printer maintenance duties and possible reassignment to Elevator Observation Detail.

END FORM MS-22A